The Man who tried to Kill his Wife with a Goose

This fictional story was first published in The Times. The butcher’s shop is based on the famous Lidgates of Holland Park where I shopped for twenty five years until we moved out of the area.

Christmas Eve started early for Lawrence. Daisy, given special permission to club till midnight, arrived back at 2 am, slammed her bedroom door so hard that a picture, inadequately fixed to the landing wall crashed to the floor with much breaking glass.

Naturally Lawrence assumed there had been a burglary - Sarah, his wife, had taken to earplugs and a sleeping pill. Bravely, he arose from his bed with the nearest golf club to hand. By the time Daisy had, sullenly and sleepily, explained what had happened, Lawrence was so far awake that he descended the stairs in search of a nightcap where he saw a real burglar, or at least the hand of a real burglar, waving searchingly through the letter-box. He was about to smash it with the four iron when he identified it as belonging to his son Tom, officially spending the night with a friend. Soon it was 3am.

At 6.30am, the alarm, playing the National Anthem (he had never once found this funny) attempted to wake him. He had already pressed the quell button when he felt a push in his back firm enough to propel him half out of the bed.

‘Turkey,’ mumbled his wife.

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